Inside a What If
by Newsgirl29
Summary: A skype call Jenny knew was coming the day her brother got his novel published. This one shot/ possible two shot, takes place before The Banished Queen Returns in season five with publishing of Dan novel.


"_You lose yourself trying hold on to someone, who doesn't care about losing you." A random quote, a girl had that on her instagram. _ It hit home, because that was my life, I lost myself holding on to my first love. Starting over, a skill that I have had to master, first at Constince, then in Hudson and now in London, but who was the real Jenny. I have given up my gothic look, but not the dark humor, but I missed color and had bring it back only better. I had was seeing if I could find my Jenny from the block again. I was in London and away from upper east side, I have given up my scheming ways. I have been trying everything from yoga, mediation, church and journaling. I was little closer, in the atelier at CSM and I was sewing again; even if it was on the machine, that "HE" bought for graduation, top of the line. I know "HE" was happy for me and proud of me. I know we both have moved on, or more he has moved on from girl to girl, so many I have lost count, but I was counting and that was wrong. I have gotten a bit better, and now I did find that when I was running, I could block out his memory and be in a quiet moment alone with my thoughts. That is why when one late night after running home from the gym, I was in yoga leggings and sports bra in dusky blue that made my eyes brighter. I was so surprised, but the skype call from NYC. I was expecting it, my brother book out and what he wrote, he made me a gay man and told our story. I took the call, as the most handsome man I have ever seen, with eyes so blue that they put the sky, sea and jewels to shame; and can take my breath away with every smile he gave me.

"Hey Nate," I greeted my first love, who I turned myself inside out to become the woman, I thought "HE" wanted.

"Jenny, how's London!" Nate asked from his bedroom in Chuck penthouse, a room with so many memories, a place we talked for more hours than I can ever think could be.

"Great, and I herd you are working at a news paper?" I asked.

"Yeah, and I love it," Nate answers, but he was not calling to catch up and for my own sanity I could not talk like old times.

"But you are calling about Dan's book?" I asked knowing he has not called, or written me since I had sex and lost my virginity to his best friend and my step brother.

" Yes, he didn't even give me a name, like Nick or something, he wrote me as minor character," Nate said, I could see the hurt in his eyes and hear it in his tone.

"Nate, I am going to be blatantly honest, that bit is not about you or your relationship with Dan," I explained.

"What do you mean Jenny," He asked. "I know I am not brightest person in NYC."

"Nate, don't you ever say that, you are just too honest for the Upper East Side. You are one of the smartest people I know, I would have never made through my algebra classes without you or my comp research papers at Constinstins," I told him. "Nate you are great at editing and putting the little pieces together, it might take you a little longer for you, but when you knock everyone's socks off."

"Thank you for your praises Jenny, but I did finally put two and two together, "Derek and Frankie", and how Derek falls for his buddy little brother it is us- it's our story," Nate said as I could see the boy I fell for all those years ago.

"Yeah, but they had a better ending then we did. I honestly think, making your character gay and his first real love story, was Dan's way to protect me," I answer, as I play with my earbuds around my neck. " So I can get away from the world that made me into person, who tried steal my step sister boyfriend and would lose my virginity with my step brother, just to hurt my one best friends, which it didn't but it did hurt me."

"Jenny," Nate whispered under his breath. "You did hurt me, it almost broke me after everything that happen."

"Nate," I breathed.

"Jenny let me finished, you were the first time I ever felt like someone other than my grandmother cared about me. You became one of my best friends, and that day I found what you did with Chuck. I hated you, because I knew at that point I had loved you or would not have matter," Nate answered and then looked down at something in his lap as he finished, "We have both moved on and I have been with women, who I have loved, but you were my first love and always will be." He finished as he covered his mouth with a hand.

"Nate, I wanted to hurt you; because, I hated me more. I felt like if I made you hate me too, may be I could leave and find me again, the person you liked, you loved a person I liked."

"Jenny, we were both in bad places, when you did, what you did. I am so sorry for leading on and putting you in that place." Nate answered as he looked me in the eye for first time in a long time.

"You didn't Nate, I just didn't want to see it. I thought if, made you see I was the women for you wanted like all the other girls you date, but in doing that I lost the girl you loved. That is why I left, to find the old Jenny from the block." I disagreed and gave him the answer, I had not even told Eric. "I knew how you felt, because if you had told me off in the letter I never have read, Vanessa wouldn't have had anything to worry about, so I knew you must have loved me or something."

"Jenny are you still hurting, I never wanted that. That night you hurt me, because I thought it was all an act between us and I was the Prince of Upper East Side, and you only wanted a title, not me." Nate said as he took a deep breath.

"I think I always will a little, because deep down I will always ask, what if?" I said as I took a sip of my water bottle. "What if I had sew a lining into that dress, what if I told you what Vanessa had said to me when she boasted about going to the party with you- a whole lot of what ifs."

"I have also asked myself what if? What if, I had heard you out that night, What if I had stood up to Dan or just told your Dad about us that night we kissed on the street, what if you had gotten my letter. What would have happen, would we still be together or would we have run our course and ended when I went off to college, but what if are worse than wishes, because they are the questions our souls ask of impossible paths; and we can't go back so we have go forward. People go crazy, asking what if?" Nate said, with the heart and soul, I always knew he had and our circle almost never saw.

"You are right, but I hope we can put those, what if behind us and become friends again," I asked, looking at the man, I honestly still love, but my prince, who mother told me at one of many brunches ay Lily, he would be president someday and with that much insight I could see why people would say that.

"I want that, because I miss my friend a lot," Nate answered as he ran his hand through his hair.

"We can do it Nate, how about we hang up and get on the call of duty multiplayer and play a few rounds," I asked another gift from Eric, who didn't want us to stop our guild playthroughs together.

"I like that see you in a few, and thank you for talking it feels good get this off my chest finally," Nate said as he hung up the line.

I knew it was something that had always been coming, but I am still hurting and question if I always would. I have talked to shrinks, who think I lost myself in him, because he was the incarnation of my dreams and my longing for a world I could never have, and I think they are right, but also we have never had best timing or we were both afraid of what could be of taking that leap of faith and asking what if? What if I had gotten the letter? What if Nate had stood up to Dan or told my Dad? What if I had not pulled that prank? What if Nate had kissed me back when I "killed" him in assinians? What if it was Nate I found at the apartment that night instead of Chuck? What if I had never lost myself to being a Queen? Nate is right "What if" are worse than wishes, because they keep us from moving on when they are all we see. I am going to find the old Jennifer T. Humphrey, no matter how long it takes and not ask what if anymore, even if I could tell Nate was lying about how he felt about me, that he still loved me.


End file.
